I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
