i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
