I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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