You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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