you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I love you.
Bad choice
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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