Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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