So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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