Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
