i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Still dying that you shit outside
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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