I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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