best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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