its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
