Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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