i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
