i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
