I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
