I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
