Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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