I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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