listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
