Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(660): View more from Missouri

We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

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(828): View more from North Carolina

nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...

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(630): View more from Illinois

First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.

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(210): View more from Texas

It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.

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(813): View more from Florida

The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF

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