remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
