So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
