I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
