New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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