Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Houston, we have a blender
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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