I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize