What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
