Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
