Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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