Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
