My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
