I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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