god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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