how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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