If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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