somebody snuck up and got me drunk
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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