My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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