i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
