This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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