i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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