you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
