It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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