Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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