He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
