Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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