Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
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i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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