I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
