so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
