Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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