I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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