So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
