I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
