Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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