Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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