she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
