It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
