look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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