This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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